The last day

It is my last day of school I feel good. Is it the two cups of coffee or other endorphins in my body? Is it God giving me the mindset to be an encouragement to the students on the last day? I am going to enjoy hearing the fruits of my students labor and asking them questions about what they have studied over the last several weeks. I will be 32 soon a new year is beginning. In the new year I will be getting married, hiking more 14'ers, running a half marathon, speaking at an education conference, finding a place to hunt in Illinois, doing lots of fishing, and taking several road trips of various lengths to undetermined locations with my new wife. I will get my passport. I will have my ten year college reunion. In many ways this is going to be the best year of my life. I can not think of a year that has had more momentous milestones. Lets rehash other years of highlights:
31: Getting engaged, beginning my counseling, getting licensed as an LCPC, finding an apartment
30: Meeting Suzanne, Max going into the Navy, climbing 5 14ers
28: Being a foster parent, Moving
26: Beginning to work at Lydia Home
25: Graduating from Trinity
21: Graduating from College, Starting Grad School
20: Going to Focus on the Family, Being suspended from College
18: Graduating High school, being accepted to college
15: climbing my first 14er
14: Being baptized, My first trip to colorado, being lost in the mountains
Thats it for now more later

Butterflies

The feeling in the pit of your stomach that something big is about to happen. The feeling of anxiety, and adrenaline rushing through your veins. You wish you could just relax but you know there is no turning back. You have no choice but to run the race. Your mouth is dry, your forehead is hot, the race is about to begin but will it ever end? Oh how I long for that elusive finish line. Lord God let me run well. May my steps be sure.

Tuesday Evening

I am done with my counseling and I think, "It is wonderful to be able to prescribe hugs and it actually is helpful". I am sitting at my desk now writing a little something before I start doing some much needed work on my files. In one and a half weeks I will be able to start exploring again because my summer vacation will begin. I will quite possibly be moving out of my house into transitional housing soon until I get married in October. It is going to be an interesting four months. I have done my fair share of hiking in Chicago. The scenery is quite predictable. Flat, paved or crushed gravel paths, in the better spots I find trees but it made me wonder. What makes a really good trail for me. Let me wonder down this path.

A good trail has to have a certain sense of mystery to it. Mystery can take on subtle forms. A small chapel standing on the shore of a vast lake or ocean gives the sense of mans vulnerability and insignificance when standing sentinel before the wild crashing waves and the gail.

If my trail crosses that scene it is a good path.

If the trail passes by the remnants of a foundation from some ancient dwelling overgrown with the relentless progression of creation.

That is a good path.

If the trail follows some ancient thoroughfair or passes by a tree that is much larger than the surrounding woodland giving a sigh at the memories of a time long faded in the mists of the ages. A time when that tree was a sapling in the forests of trees untouched by modern man.

That is a good trail.

When your trail passes through a vast wilderness where nobody is seen for miles and you hear the rumblings of an avalanche and thunder and you feel small.

That is a good trail.

When you see a warm light and smell baked goods and see someone waiting for you with a smile that dances like moon beams on the water and eyes that light up like the emerald waters of the Indian Ocean....

That is a good path

late night

I can not sleep so I came to the school to get my book about global jihad to help send me off to blissful slumber. My mind is a stir with thoughts about life. I think it is interesting how as an imperfect human I resent not being able to act according to my selfish ways. When I find I have to curb my behavior I have a tendency to feel like, "I am not accepted...I have to compromise all the time, why can't I be intense?" (Which is selfishness on my part) But when I see others struggling with giving up/curbing their tendencies/behaviors, I seem to view myself as this altruistic, giving, emotionally flawless person who adjusts with no problem. I need to learn that I do have "ways" that need to be changed. The selfish tendencies that I feel are so hard for me to give up will help me understand and identify with others who have different struggles that are equally ingrained in their persona.

The month of may

I have floundered for so long in and out of resistance and submission. Submission to that which makes me weaker and resistance to that which I am told will bring life. The longing comes in the moments where I catch a glimpse of the struggle and plight of humanity. The student who is on the edge of hope and despair...what a jagged ridgeline that is!!! The matriarch who is going the way of all the world, her final breath exhaled in the midst of loved ones. Death brings a somberness to life that we would all do well to consider. Love, speak encouragement, challenge, show kindness because we do not know the number of our days. The power that Christ gives when we stretch beyond ourselves and give our lives. When we have the faith to love instead of fear. When we choose to love when the natural reaction would be to become angry or to withdraw. To speak a gentle word in the face a rage is likened to a feather crushing a mountain. To have a gentle boldness in the face of intimidation and the threat of harm. These are the things of a love not of this world. How many times I have endeavored to embark on a journey into the unknown of going without? I do not know. The mysteries that lie before me as I seek to find how much love God can pour out through me involves not hoarding any for myself. To sacrifice my desires to the unkown...the intangible......I have travelled the road, "to taste and touch and to feel as much as a man can before he repents". Where does the road of hunger lead to? There are many who do not believe that good and faithfulness are possible in this world. Many are eager to prove that there is none who does good. They do not have to wait long to prove themselves right. But perfection is not the message of the faithful. It is the striving and the yearning that we try to communicate. What a horrible burden it would be to try and prove perfection. I only desire to be known as one who hungered and thristed for righteousness and loved with abandon. May the love of Christ poured out through my life leave an indelible mark on the world long after I am gone.